ESPN’s Henry Abbott wasted 20 minutes of my day today, suggesting that the Lakers should bench Kobe Byrant. Of course this title was merely a hook, and the scrolling ramble-a-thon was really just a very long way of Abbott saying that Kobe needs to play five or so less minutes if the Lakers hope to win a championship. In the process, he delivered to us one of the more deft word sequences I have ever seen in sports analysis, as Henry responds to whether or not a player should play every minute of every game. Abbott ruminates:
“But does anybody think that would work? Only if you’re made of iron, and … you’re not. You need to factor in some rest.”
No Henry, nobody is made of iron. I think that is readily apparent to all of the five senses, and even the kid from The Sixth Sense might know that just by seeing dead people. But no, thank you Henry, for reminding me that nobody is immortal, nobody can fly, a hole cannot be dug by one person with one shovel to the center of the earth, and that the composition of my body is actually not 100% iron. How incredibly insightful of you.
As for limiting Kobe’s minutes… yeah, that seems pretty reasonable to me. But Abbott’s 5,000 word marathon–pun, as you will see–can be written in one sentence:
If a marathoner runs really fast at the beginning of a race, he will probably run less fast at the end.
…unless he’s made of iron.
Good grief. Round of applause for Henry Abbott’s groundbreaking work.