Jerry Sloan is old – fossil old. And now, like the calcified carapace of a long-dead barnacle, he’s been found clinging stubbornly to the side hull of the USS NBA. Not back in the boat yet but probing the surface. But still, in all honesty, he’s really old. His earlobes hang and his eyes don’t have much sparkle these days. He’s just old like that, and looked every bit his age when he announced his resignation in February last year as he reported that his “energy had dropped”. And really, what more is there for a man to do when his energy has dropped than return to long hours of manual labor. Returning to ride tractors and rustle cattle back in McLeansboro is the obvious natural response to old age and fatigue. We at Lower The Rim see the clear logic, and approve. Heck, if any of us had a hard working bone in our bodies we’d probably have established a small cluster of hen houses here at headquarters by now.
But wait! It would appear that a few months at the farm with the boys has recharged the old man’s battery. And really, how long can you ride your tractors around when you really don’t have to before the brain turns to mush? So he quit the bottle and the Marlboros and the YooHoo and he’s back… like Batman. Unfortunately his reentrance has been met by the miserable brass of the miserable Bobcats. However, Gordy Chiesa—long-time assistant coach for the Jazz (1991-2005) under Sloan—opined on ESPN 700 radio in Salt Lake City last week that Sloan would be coaching in the NBA next year and most likely in Portland. We concur. Portland is the best spot for crusty J-Slo. It’s a medium market, he knows the mix of young and old players, and he could make a difference. No way he wins anything with any of the teams that are coach searching, but that probably isn’t the point. And a ring probably doesn’t have much to do with it either, and that Lazarus Sloan isn’t coming back to fill that gap—OKC has that covered for the next decade anyway, heyoooh! But in all seriousness, the old guy just wants to coach.
We at Lower The Rim are in full support of Portland hiring the old fart. The more senior moments from the bench per game the better as far as we’re concerned. We’re hoping that Sloan returns and his aged synapses misfire him into calling plays in Portland’s huddle for Karl “Kah” Malone, dawning his old Bulls shorts and taking the court to shoot his teams technical free throws, or finally snapping and pile driving Dick Bavetta after one too many offensive foul calls. Now that would be glorious. Either way, if he comes back, we’re all winners.
That’s straight pita for your freakin’ humus.